Frustrated Day

This post today is very long, and it's just something I wrote to release my anger and stress. If you don't wanna read it, please don't proceed any further. Thank you.

I just hate my mom you know... I don't understand what's her problem. I always have problems with her, I don't know why. Maybe she isn't my real mother or such. I don't know.

The morning was already very bad after I woke up. Had my breakfast and got to work with my assignments. Then, the electricity was cut off for no reason at my housing area. I couldn't use the internet or even my laptop because it ran out of battery power. I was also feeling sick and dizzy, so I decided to take a nap.

Woke up in an hour but the electricity wasn't back on. Still can't do anything, I decided to rest in bed and think of some solutions to my assignments. Suddenly, it rained and gotten heavier with lightning and thunder. I just hate such a rainy day... After some time the electricity was back on, and I felt hungry after all the thinking while still dizzy. I went down and told my mom that I was hungry and she offered to cook some fish cocktails. I saw some lime juice in the fridge so I asked mom if I could drink it. It has to go with the liquified sugar she just made earlier in the morning.

She said to go ahead so I made a glass for myelf. I poured a quarter of the lime juice and quarter of liquified sugar, then added water to make one glass. When I tasted it, it was sour and bitter. I told my mom and asked her to taste it, she went ahead and then scolded me straight. Said I never taste and such because the lime juice is concentrated and such...

I admit it was my fault for not tasting it while making the drink. But she don't have to say that I was stupid and all that very annoying and hurtful words. She was already preparing the cocktails in the toaster oven, when she suddenly scolded me to come over to prepare it myself. Still nagging, she watched me while I handle the cocktails.

I knew what to do with it. I'm not that stupid. Just because the outer layer of the cocktail was sticking to the base of the toaster oven while I wanted to flip it over and some of them were tore off, she nagged about me being stupid. Said that I don't know how to do simple cooking and such... And talked about how my younger is better than me in cooking, how smart he is and such... I can't help thinking that she's a bitch now.

So what if my brother was smarter than me? He had the time to do cooking. He even had time for playing games and leisure time or his own stuffs. Can't my mom think on my side? My daily routines now are just to prepare for class once I woke up, and rush home after class for dinner and a quick bath then continue my assignments? Sometimes I have to stay back in college for group assignments or discussions. Why Can't she understand I am busy too? If I had the time, there's so many things in my mind that I wanna try out. I wanna make pastries, cakes or simple food for survival. I might even want to clean my room once and for all. I don't really have the time to do it now. I'm quite a slow learner, it's not my fault for being like that. I need more time to digest information and even that kills. It would slow me down in my assignments and make things harder in life.

Why can't she think of what I have to go through? When I get home, all I see is her either watching the television or went to bed. How about me? I come home and the earliest I can sleep is maybe 2 a.m. you know... I chose this course because I am interested in it. I wanna work hard as not to be looked down by her. All she thinks is that I'm stupid and not able to do my work properly. When I give myself five minutes of break in between my assignment time, I play some mini games. And there she is coming in, and always at the time when I have my break, as if she knows I'm having my break at that particular time. Then she would nag about me being lazy, everytime she comes in and sees me playing games instead of work. Come on bastard! You're the one who hasn't seen what I've done when I was doing my assignments!

She and dad would always side my brother when we quarreled. What is their problem...? It's always my brother who started it. For your information, I do not talk to my brother unless it's something very urgent. He won't even be polite to call me "sister", "sis" or any forms of that, instead he called me "oi', "ei", "wei", or simply just comes into my room demanding me to do something for him without calling me. I do not care about what he calls me, but I sometimes do wonder if I really am a genuine daughter of this family...

Coming back to the story earlier when my mom nagged about me for not cooking properly. I have my ways of doing things. Not everyone has to do things according to your style. When the timer was already on 0, which I didn't notice, she suddenly just comes up to me and said that I was stupid enough to watch the cocktails in the toaster oven just like that when the timer was off. So I set the timer back to the maximum amount, which was 15 minutes, and she had to scold me again for that. I don't know what is wrong with setting it like that? If it's cooked before it reaches 0, then just off the main switch. As easy as that right? She just had to scold me. Saying I'm stupid and such... I'm useless. Knows nothing. Brainless. I wanted to tell her that it's not my fault for being this way because I was born from you. Meaning, she herself is stupid.

Dad bought dinner home. I wanted to avoid talking to either of them because I'm still very frustrated. Mom had to talk, making me answer her rudely. She can act as though nothing happened this afternoon, which pisses me off. Then she had to start it all over again, while dad asking me to get over it and eat. Damn... So everything is my fault now right? They don't even know how I feel or what I want. Just because nobody nags or scolds them now so they think that they can do it to their children, which is mostly on me. My brother had a far worse attitude if compared to me. Why can't they say anything about him? While I'm always the quiet one to avoid conflict, they just had to pick me as the victim.

I wanted to shift away or get out from home. They insist and won't allow me to live outside, saying it's dangerous out there. Sometimes being over protective kills, you know? There's many things where I should be experiencing are not experienced before, because of my parents being over protective. Somethings that I don't want to do are forced by them, while those that I wanted are not allowed. Yet, they say that I don't grow up. I haven't seen the world. I don't know this. I don't know that. Wow... This is just too... Fucking annoying. Sorry I had to use that word (because if you're a loyal reader, you would know that I had never used this term before in any existing posts) because I'm just very pissed off.

I have a limit too. They can't do what they like forever. They say I won't defend myself when I face danger. I admit I'm soft most of the times. But that is because I don't wanna get into trouble or conflict. I'm more of a peaceful person. I could go on shouting at people if I want to. I only do that in my heart. I don't wanna anger people, or cause them to dislike me. I know how people feel. I have a heart too. They also have a heart. They don't realise that even a scolding like this can hurt a person with weak mind or heart, which I have of both. One day I could easily go crazy. And if that happens, I can't be the one to be blamed.

Once in the past I did almost commited suicide because of my mom. Then that made my parents both depressed but they did nothing. None of them would ask why. Or what is it that I dislike about doing what was told? I didn't bother to tell them because they would never care in the first place. There's so many things I wanted to say, but I don't think they would ever think about it. So why bother wasting my time and effort? When I wanted to talk to my mom, she would listen but won't really give a damn after just few minutes.

I think it's time for me to stop here. This post can go on forever because of me being too frustrated at this moment. I'm very stressed and sick. Yet I have to go through all the scolding and nagging. I need time on my own. I'll stop writing now. Have a good day ahead people...